Why Do People Deconstruct Their Faith?
There is no shortage of articles, books, posts and videos about faith deconstruction. Why does this happen? What does it mean? The reality is, every attempt to explain it falls short because the experience is so unique, and sends people on a deeply personal journey.
As a therapist who has listened to clients ask hard questions and make painful choices, here are some of the reasons I see people begin to deconstruct their faith:
They receive insufficient answers to questions (or a very certain answer that completely misses the mark)
Many religious communities thrive on certainty, believing that their religion holds the answers to life’s most difficult questions. But what happens when the confident answers given by a faith community miss the emotional or moral weight of the question and instead ring hollow, insensitive or dismissive? People are left with a hard decision - do they retreat, accept the answers given, or keep asking questions without knowing where they lead?
They witness injustice and suffering, then measure their faith community’s response (or lack thereof)
Sometimes the horror of local and national news stories can be jarring and can force people to face painful realities (Why exactly are our politicians causing harm to so many while we still praise and support their policies?). Sometimes the injustice closer to home hits a nerve, producing a pain that doesn’t go away (Why exactly can’t my queer neighbor volunteer on a Sunday morning?). When our world feels unsteady, turning to community is a natural response. We crave belonging and safety. But what if your community doesn’t talk about what’s happening? What if you show up to a Sunday service and it’s like the outside world doesn’t exist? Living in two different realities - one that is grappling with painful social issues and a second that continues as though nothing has changed - is really disorienting. Whether it’s fear of rocking the boat or uncertainty about how to respond, a faith community’s silence or dismissiveness during painful cultural moments can force people to either ignore it or find community and solace elsewhere.
They experience tragedy or hardship only to find platitudes and loneliness from their faith community
A cancer diagnosis. A death in the family. A sudden change in socio-economic status. A family member who behaves in shocking ways. Life is full of surprising moments and how our community responds impacts how we get through them. When pain and hardship is met with, “Everything happens for a reason,” or “Trust that this is all part of God’s plan” we’re often left feeling alone and misunderstood.
They realize they have been in a high control, and maybe abusive, spiritual environment
Sometimes belonging in a community requires adhesion to a particular social code or way of thinking. We are expected (explicitly or implicitly) to vote a certain way, agree on social and cultural issues, quickly offer forgiveness to those who have caused great hurt, attend all (or most) events, make financial commitments and sacrifices, (this list could go on for awhile) - all of it necessary to stay in good standing with the community. How a community responds when someone questions, hesitates, or deviates from the norm often reveals whether true belonging existed at all. Sometimes the cost of ‘staying in the fold’ feels too high.
For many, these are thoughts and experiences that pop up from time to time, but are resolved or pushed away. However, deconstruction usually starts when someone decides they can’t make excuses any more and chooses to confront these uncomfortable realities. Choosing to not look away from what we know deep down is true and right is courageous and painful. Deconstructing your faith is terrifying, lonely, and unexpectedly liberating. Deconstructing is an act of faith that sets you on an uncharted path. And while it feels like wandering in the wilderness, many discover they are not as alone as they originally feared.